Mostly Drama, so you're in for a *treat*

Why did I write that? Search me. I just feel so bad today. I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. Tonight, when I'm wiht friends and will be enjoying myself, maybe I won't feel as self-conscious. Anyway, I won't delete it. Because I am honest with you lot.

ABBA was great, on performance we win, but Brunel win for real 'cause it's about music. But never mind, we're great. However, the rest of the day was pants. After ABBA my cough got even worse, then I developed a borderline migraine and had to leave Drama because the shouting made it even worse. Then I was in tears because of the pain in my head, but I decided to take 3 paracetamol and carry on because I want to go to Matt's tonight. Which I am doing.

I went to piano. I should've pretended I forgot, I haven't practised all week and I sight-read every piece she gave me. It was brilliant, and she was really disappointed with me. But I don't care. I'm secretly hoping she does get fired as she never gives me a boost or any kind of good motivation. I might go with Paul Bryan, see if he can do better ;)

Ugh. Drama. Why is it that I feel worse every lesson? Like today. it probably wasn't helped by my headache, but I still felt like the crap one in the group. Ms Pawson says I'm getting an A, which is more than can be said for a lot of people in the class, but I don't deserve that A. I don't. Only in one or two lessons have I performed to an A standard, and never to A*. If I could get that 97% I would be ecstatic. It'd show me that I can do what I always wanted. But I'm not going to get that, am I? I just don't have the confidence to say to Tom/Em/Robin/Elspeth/Peony/Matt that I want that big role that they always get, because I know how much better than me they'll be. I blame Brimble.

Thing is, you all think I'm so confident. But I'm not, I'm just a good actress. Every time someone questions my judgement, I get a knock. Ms Daniel tells me I'm not House Leader. Knock. I have to redo my coursework. Knock. Someone bitches about me. Knock. Miss Brimble doesn't put me in a single scene until I complain. The biggest frickin' knock you ever had. And I put on this front, and I don't let people see how vulnerable the girl beneath the mask is. Because she's not like Becky. Not the Becky you know. And when I complained to fatty lesbo and she still only put me in a dance and gave me one line in a coffee scene, I was just about done with Drama. I was all ready to stop it and do Geography. I detest Geography, but it'd have been better than feeling like that. But I couldn't, because it's all I want to do. It sounds stupid, I know, but it's true.

Stupid motherfudging fattygay Brimble. I'm sure she meant well. She just missed well by miles.